I usually post a new blog on Friday’s, and I was going to do that today… But I couldn’t sleep last night. At first I got stuck on watching a show, but then, as the night went on, I began feeling restless and agitated, in a way that I’ve felt before, but not for a long time. I’ve always had trouble falling asleep, taking hours sometimes until I finally manage to do so. But last night was different, I just felt this deep, gut wrenching unease. Which was only intensified by my ongoing worry and paranoia from the virus.
Every tiny ache or pain makes me freak out. Fretting over whether or not it is in my head or actually really there. And I know that I have my moments where I just get sucked into the anxiety. And convince myself that I actually can’t breathe, or that there is a sting in my chest. But when I distract myself it magically goes away. So I am just left to brave through those moments of weakness and wait them out. But last night it was a rough battle, while mixed in with the sudden downward spiral of my mood.
When I woke up this morning, I just knew it was going to be a “climbing day”, even before I opened my eyes. It took me a couple of hours until I finally managed to peel myself out of bed. I had a whole list of things I needed and wanted to get done. But neither my first nor second coffee managed to wake me from the daze I seemed to be in. my whole body was exhausted and my mind and heart were overloaded with thoughts and emotions that I can’t explain.
I see myself as an optimistic person. I mostly choose to see the good in a situation, and I don’t crumble at any tiny push. But every so often, because I’m human too, it gets to me and I get sucked into it, like today. And that’s okay… We all have those days where all we want to do is bury ourselves under the blanket and cry our eyes out. Feeling like nothing is going right and everything just seems and feels wrong. But I have a hard time with those days, because I hate feeling weak and helpless.
I’ve spoken about being an introvert in my previous posts, I don’t like or need to talk about my feelings. I just write them or go out for a run. I find a way to channel that bad energy and turn it into something good. So when I woke up today and just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, let alone a blog post… I tried to clean my room, arrange my wardrobe and cook. But that constant nagging and pit in my stomach and chest wouldn’t leave me.
My body was too exhausted to go out for a run and things just kept on going wrong. I had an argument with a friend, couldn’t figure out a plugin in WP and spilled coffee on my laptop. So I just stopped doing it and just watched Survivor. Which did a good job in distracting me for a bit. But I couldn’t forget that list of things I needed to get done. It was in the back of my mind the whole day, making me feel even more unproductive. Which only made my foul mood even more intense.
We all have these days, where we just feel plain out sad for no reason. And can’t keep our moods in check. Where we feel a huge hole in our chests like something fundamental is missing. But just can’t seem to figure out exactly what it is. Like all we want to do is skip to the next day, and pretend this one never happened.
I was going to give in to it. Surrender myself to the dark side and just wallow – heck, I actually did for a few hours there. But then my mind began buzzing with running words. And my fingers were burning, itching to fill up a blank page and share this mood with the world. Well, at least with the ones who will actually read this ramble. But even if it is one person, that’s okay, because that is all it takes is to make a difference. And if this post helps just one person feel like they are not alone in their pain… That it is okay to feel it. That it doesn’t make them weak – then that is more than enough for me.
“These worst mornings with cold floors and hot windows and merciless light – the soul’s certainty that the day will have to be not traversed but sort of climbed, vertically, and then that going to sleep again at the end of it will be like falling, again, off something tall and sheer.”David Foster Wallace